In counseling, we often talk about the things we say to ourselves or think about privately. This is called “self-talk.” Sometimes it comes in the form of actual conversation or monologue with/to ourselves, and sometimes it’s just a bunch of thoughts we think about. Either way, it’s private stuff that nobody knows about unless we vocalize it in some way.
What’s It For?
Self-talk is incredibly valuable and an important part of our well-being. We use it to think through things, to interpret experiences, to understand, and to accept. For example, I might not know how I feel about looking for a different job. I can think to myself about the potential benefits and drawbacks from my perspective and come to a conclusion about it. I can also interpret a recent job interview by telling myself it didn’t go well for this or that reason, that the interviewers seemed to like me, or that I have no idea if I’ll get the job because I don’t know if I’m qualified for it.
We also use self-talk to make statements about ourselves or to tell ourselves what to do. For example, after an argument with my wife I might say to myself, “That was a stupid thing to say! Why can’t I ever do it the right way?” Implicit in that statement is a host of information about what I think and how I feel about myself.
How Does It Help?
Being aware of our own self-talk is a good thing because we can begin to notice patterns or identify negativity. Maybe there is a pattern of judgment towards other people, blame for our live experiences, or negativity towards myself implicit in my self-talk. Seeing these things is the first step toward being able to change it.
It’s also helpful because it can guide us to where some root problems may be hiding. If you look carefully at the second set of statements above (the context of an argument with my wife), you can see heavy judgment and criticism toward the self. You might even see a standard or expectation that I hold for myself that might be unrealistic. These dynamics, when present, can create problems for us because of how they make us feel.
Based on what I’m thinking or saying to myself in this example, I might be feeling inferior, ashamed, unworthy, fearful, or insecure. With these feelings, you can see a connection with how I might be acting – withdrawing, arguing, isolating, sulking, or working harder to prove myself. Different feelings produce different action results, but they’re all information we can use to learn about and understand ourselves better.
Can I Control It?
Many people don’t realize this connection between thoughts and feelings, and as a result are surprised when I tell them they can control both. If you learn to pay close attention to your thoughts, you can begin to take control of them and guide them to where you want them to be. You can also better influence your emotions, reducing feelings such as anxiety, depression, fear, insecurity, and helplessness. You might still have some unwanted emotional reactions, but with practice you can slow those down and put them under your control so that you make the decisions about what and how to feel about things in life.
Well-rounded, healthy living involves being able to effectively manage your own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Taking ownership of these can significantly improve your ability to function in difficult life situations and increase in self-confidence and self-esteem. These can also help improve your relationships with others, and give you greater happiness in general!